desks.

so you go into your lecture theatre, all geared up and ready for a new, exciting lecture on a given subject.
you find a seat, put your bag down, get your paper/pens out... and go to put the desk up.
but oh, how awkward, its attached to the next seat!!
you awkwardly grab at the often slippery desk, trying to make it obvious to the person sitting on the other side of you that, in fact, you're not trying to grope their ass, and manage to put it up.

THEN there's the issue of wrist damage, from them not being deep enough.
something i've discovered in engineering south - you can't even put your paper over the end of the table, because someone's head is there. not such a problem in napier [nor physics i don't think...] so you have your wrist at a funny angle, trying to write on your page, which is often filled with illegible scribbles. your wrist starts aching, but there's not much you can do about it.

then, just when you think all your desk dramas are over, the END of the lecture arrives. this is possibly the most awkward part, particularly in the physics building. the desk insists on swinging into your neighbour's leg, and there is absolutely NO way to escape it. many embarrassed 'sorry!'s later, you emerge into the sunlight to scurry off to your next location, or to be a uni bum.

in conclusion:
desks are out to get us; our wrists, our dignity, and our legs.

Retreat from the Seat! Beware the Chair! Ouch: The Couch!

Achtung! Beware! Chairs, sofas, couches, benches...anything that is designed for your seating "convenience"; they have been discovered as having joined the ranks of the dreaded Inanimate Objects!

Their M.O. is mysterious, new, and most deviously subtle. It would seem that they have discovered how to become MAGNETS, except, instead of attracting metal (and other magnets...imagine the chaos if all chairs etc. felt the sudden urge of "togetherness" and stuck together world wide!!! Oh the horror!) they attract - that's right - humans.

You stand up, try to make a graceful exit, then BAM, you suddenly find yourself up close and personal with an Inanimate Object of the Seating Kind, the result being, bumps, bruises, cuts and embarassment.

The only way to avoid this...CONSTANT VIGALENCE! (I've been re-reading Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire :p)

LEAPING STRAW ALERT!!

Last night, as i was happily chatting away while i was at Fasta Pasta, not noticing my lemonade on the table, the straw, the amazing leaping straw, LEAPT out of my glass, and landed on the floor. it was most upsetting, and i had to drink from the glass. oh well... just letting everyone know... they're still out there!!!

CONSTANT VIGILANCE!!

hello all! welcome to my first post, against this newfounded attack of schemiforous and subtle 'objects' which in reality, are really out to get nice, honest friendly people like ourselves.

i have a new addition for you to all be cautious of. something that you have probably never considered, but alas, its there, waiting to get YOU.

CAR HEADLIGHTS. would you beleive it? if someone had stopped me in the street and warned me of the woes of such seemingly useful and nice things, i would have scoffed at them, and called them a loony. but no longer.

it seems that my right lowbeam headlight bulb is merely PRETENDING to be dead. how do i know this? becuase if you remove the little critter (with great caution of course) and inspect (not for the feint of heart) you can see the filament is still fully intact. i simple measure to ensure the object is not thrown away, removing all potential of attack (a form of simple camoflague if you will). upon returning the globe, and rattling it around, it works, but not for long...
so BE WARNED! they are OUT TO GET YOU.

if you're mean, get a mechanic to do it for you, or if you're not, ... get a sibling to


untill next time!

Dust Busters: Busted

"How much would a dust-buster bust,
If a dust buster would bust dust?" - Annonymous

The grammatically correct answer to this age-old question would, obviously and undoubtedly be lots. (check it yourself) However, sadly, our world does not revolve around grammar in the way it should, and therein lies the inherent flaw in our poetic question. A dust-buster would bust lots of dust, if only it would bust dust at all.

Dust-busters (and tragically, their manufacturers ((yes, there are human traitors amongst us)) ) have been misleading us for all these years. Their name is wrong, because in fact, they don’t bust dust at all! Anyone who has ever tried to suck up dust in one of these fiendish devices would have no doubt soon found that far from removing the dust from the floor, as it claims to be able to do, it opts instead to smear it all over the place, and as an added bonus: creates Dust Bunny Clumps!!!

Dust is simply too small for it! These wicked electricity guzzlers are only capable of consuming larger objects. Fine, that’s manageable. Or so you would think. Five minutes before school, you decide to be (just typed “bee”…wow, identity problems) a responsible household member, and do a “spot of quick cleaning.” Alas, it is not to be. The non-dust-busting-dust-buster (which incidentally has probably had more rest than you), having spent the whole night on the charger, is still not charged enough to be effective…be ALERT and ALARMED!

Cable Releases... more dangerous than they appear...

Photography is one of those subjects in which you must engage with inanimate objects on a weekly basis. [because that is the frequency of my photography lessons.]
These dangerous objects include;

• camera
• tripod
• enlarger
• tongs
• trays
• funnels
• taps
• intense heat putter-outerers [to dry photos with]
• cutting up photographic paper things [with sharp bladey things]
• film developing things
• and last, but DEFINATELY not least... the cable release

now sure, ALL those objects can be dangerous, and indeed, they are, going to my weekly photography lesson is a health hazard, and i dread it. well not really, but it IS a health hazard. however, mostly the equipment is used in a safe, responsible and mature manner [especially when i'm around because i'm really responsible and mature!]

However, on a scale of one to ten for danger, these objects only get up to about a 7. the cable release gets up to at least FIFTEEN! [out of ten]. and while it may appear, when first looked at, completely harmless, and merely a tool in achieving a different type of photograph, if you look closer, it is ACTUALLY out to get you.

upon studying the mechanics of a cable release, it was discovered that when you press down the button, the bit at the end extends at a greater rate than the button is pushed in. whcih means that there is some sort of stretching device inside the cable release, which it is no doubt going to employ to get us.

as PAIOC members, we need to be constantly on the lookout for new threats, such as this cable release. it could get you. it can bite you and it can poke you. and it can poke you when you dont expect it because of its stretching capabilities! you think you have more time than you do!

so... BEWARE THE CABLE RELEASE!!

ps, sorry if you dont know what one is, if i had a photo i'd put it up [oh the irony!] but... i dont... and i couldnt find a good one on google, but if you wish to try, please feel free!!

Inanimate Objects - the danger they pose

Inanimate Objects; they’re everywhere. They’re your computer, your school bag, your phone (which, though mobile is still at the same time inanimate because it needs your help in order to move around.)

…the list is never ending.

So why do we need protection from them? On the surface, they seem harmless, innocent, helpless even. I mean, they’re immobile! What possible risk can they pose?

This is where you need to start using your “I’s.”

Injury
Inconvenience.
Insurmountable Rage.
…and most importantly: Igloos.

Separately they are minor, insignificant (another “I” they use to their fiendish advantage) and unimportant, but when you look at the full pyramid, the repercussions begin to stack up.

Ever had a paper cut, or tripped over a stray book? Been waylaid by a computer failing to work, or a handle refusing to release? Had so many things go wrong that the rage starts to take you over? Thought of the word “Igloo” then wondered why??? This is by no mere accident or coincidence! What you have been subjected to is a cold, calculated and cruel attack, unleashed upon you by the union of the worlds Inanimate Objects.

Now, in no way are we saying that every single Inanimate Object in direct proximity is doing its utmost to thwart you – what we are saying is that they have the potential.

Some lie dormant, biding their time, while other are out there already doing their part “for the cause.” What we are trying to do here at PAIOC is to warn, inform, protect, and ultimately WIN. (force them to Withdraw, reclaim our “I’s” (most importantly igloos) and make the resistance No more)

The first step is to identify the threat – from there we decide where next to move.

So far, in terms of adversaries, we have discovered:

The Handle

The Amazing Leaping Straw

…and Stockings

Where the next threat comes from…who knows?